What We Expect

We expect consistency from others in their manner of expression and, by extension, in the way they navigate their lives. Yet, the truth is, none of us embodies this ideal of consistency. It’s easy to overlook or dismiss someone’s ideas simply because they don’t align with our preconceived notions of a well-formed thought. This realization has profoundly influenced my journey, especially in terms of self-expression. The fear of not meeting expectations regarding correctness or formality has been a constant companion. Yet, it’s this wrestling with the expectation of consistency that has opened my eyes to the value inherent in every attempt at communication, encouraging a deeper appreciation for the varied ways in which we express ourselves and connect with one another.

The Informal

My intrigue with technology was sparked in the late ’80s through an encounter with the Nintendo Entertainment System at a summer daycare, an experience more about observation than participation due to its popularity among the older children. This early fascination grew as I explored the world of computing, first through educational games on my step-mom’s 8086 workstation and by entering BASIC game programs into a Tandy Color Computer without understanding what any of the lines were doing. I eventually obtained a basic programming aptitude, but was largely skill capped on how to apply it practically. All the while, going through different generations of computers and video game console generations.

The Formal

As an aspiring video game programmer, my interests lead me to pursue a degree in computer science at university, but the more advanced mathematics I undertook, the more I became fascinated with the degree that it was able to “define reality”. I changed majors to computer engineering and began pursuing more advanced mathematics through additional classes and self study. It was through these endeavors that I was exposed to Bertrand Russell Mathetica Principia and Kurl Godel’s Incompleteness Theorem. While recognizing its limitations, I’d fallen in love with the notion of formal syntax and expression. No doubt, I would view less formal expressions having suspicious acceptability. However, like a great charade, it was challenging for myself to abide by.

The Inconsistent

Videos games have been seen as contraversial throughout my lifetime. Even within my own life, it’s been a mixture of positives and negatives. How can I reconcile this? Inspiring an interest in mathematics and consuming such an unredeemable cost of time. I would see it as a more base activity of the underproductive or undereducated, and yet, conceptually there is this rich blend of logic and art in the experience. No wonder that it can be so easily abused. My interests and how I’d spend my time could seem like an open contradiction.

The Point

So what’s the point of all of this? I’m a mixture of expressions who sometimes feels like they can’t form a consistent thought to my satisfaction. 

A creative writing professor challenged my false modesty when I hesitated to share my work. He pointedly remarked that writing demands the boldness to believe your words hold value for the reader. I’d so often lived in fear of correctness to prevent any expression, as though at some point I would have an infinite stream of evidence to validate or able to provide formal proof for any statement made. When we feel we have something worth expressing we should express it. That doesn’t always mean that it will stand to have value, but that’s our perception at the time. I’ve also been guilty of having a preconceived expectation of others based on my perception of their lives or form of their expressions. How often I’ve been shocked at the profoundness of simplicity or futility of the formal and complex. Clearly we shouldn’t assume or dismiss the expression of others based on the form of expression or source. Life is about relationship and expression, I’ll write about video games because they encompass so many of my interests and are a mimicry of life. Perhaps you too will find your expectation subverted.  If nothing else, this expression is a demonstration of itself.